Ah, Naked Killer. OK, Let me just get this off my chest. We can’t keep seeing each other. The gratuitous violence, creepy sex, and ultimately, the grating “genitals” jokes just, well, are too much. You need time to go out in the world and discover yourself: comedy, porno, thriller, who the heck are you and why do you feel the need to sloppily change each scene?
I am ashamed to admit I have seen Naked Killer twice in my life. First I caught parts of it as a sort of impromptu bad film festival my last semester at college and now for this review. For the uninitiated, Naked Killer tackles the story of Kitty, a bad ass man killer who falls for her trainer, Sister Cindy, who trains her in the way of killing dudes (and is very adamant she is not a lesbian, but then proceeds to molest Kitty at a disco). As always happens in soft porn cum thrillers cum crime movies criminal Kitty falls for the detective Tinam even though that goes against everything she stands for. But no worries, bumbling Tinam is so bad at his job he vomits every time he holds a gun and is always getting in fights with his boss, but the vomiting is the really gross part. Things go awry when Sister Cindy starts a battle with her former partner in crime Princess (who is also a lesbian). Get the picture?
So, why is Naked Killer a terrible foreign flick? Several reasons, first, while sexual imagery in movies can often be exciting, here it is out of place and boring. And this is not just because it is soft porn set to synthesized soft rock, no, it is because the sex comes at the wrong moments in the movie. For example, Kitty and Tinam’s first time puts me to sleep because it comes just as Princess is introduced and we start to see some conflict. In fact, the film’s gratuitous sex makes me doubt the seriousness of the central story—if even the director will take long breaks from the action, why shouldn’t the audience?
Fine, Naked Killer has sex. Most audiences were drawn in by the Naked in the title—in fact any nudity in a 1992 Hong Kong film was provocative enough to be censored by authorities, as happened with this movie. But what it lacks is a coherent, believable plot. Why does Tinam throw up every time he holds a gun? What really makes Kitty want to kill men? Who makes poison lipstick (Revlon’s Anaphylaxis Allure?) and wouldn’t it first kill the wearer? Why does Sister Cindy kiss Princess in the first place if they are mortal enemies? Where does Sister Cindy get the fresh supply of pedophiles in her basement? Too many questions. Finally, I cannot take a movie seriously that includes the hilariously subtitled lines, “Don’t worry, I had enough milk that I will survive long enough to have a gastric purge” after Kitty is poisoned.
I give this movie three out of four stars for being sort of good in a “cult classic” sort of way. It is admittedly as much fun to watch with friends as The Killer (another Hong Kong crime movie), and the dubbing/subtitles are hilarious. Or watch it with your enemies—just as fun. Just before you try any full on kisses with them check your epi-pen.